New moon, approaching birthday (new decade) new year, and reflective dark winter time means I am looking backwards and forwards. Saying thank yous for the past, and thinking about what I want to call in for the future.
Truth is, and I'm a bit shy to say so...
I realised that the only thing I really want is to feel close to god.
This longing is what is underneath any of my other wanting. Any discomfort, anything I feel like I need or am seeking, any dream, it's actually just this.
Closeness to god to me means being in flow with an energy which could come through another person, music, animal, work, landscape, or still small voice in my body (to name a few).
If I am afraid, its energy provides reassurance and safety. When I feel like I'm not enough, it reminds me of my wholeness. When I grasp to make or be something, it fills me up, already complete.
On a full moon on my birthday five years ago I first felt this energy, this Something in my body for myself (very different to believing in it with a hopeful brain). Nothing else mattered and everything was clear.
I knew it was real, and that it was what I had always been searching for my whole life until then, in the craving and homesickness which was always underneath the surface of my day to day experience.
My prayer next year is to feel closer to that Something, and to be a witness and trustworthy companion to anyone who is seeking the same.
Especially in moments where they really need its courage and insight. Its lightness and aliveness.
It's a funny one to bring this down to earth. Yesterday went slowly. I meditated, walked my dog, made bread, wrote down the names a few studios I'd like to offer Breathwork at in London and Barcelona.
Maybe I'll see you there in the coming months.